The Guide to Social Interaction

Everyone knows writers are nerds. Psh. It's obvious! And everyone knows that math nerds are, well, nerds. It doesn't even get more obvious than that. You might also know that I'm not just a writer, but a math nerd too, which makes me something like a double nerd. Add in the fact that I'm just naturally a nerd, and I'm a triple threat!

Clearly, this makes me the perfect person to instruct you on the intricate world of social interaction. It's about as complex as eating a Twinkie (that is, for super-experienced people like me), and I've made pretty much every mistake it's possible to make, and I'm continuing to do so! So like I said, it's not just crystal clear, it's oxygen clear that I'm qualified to teach you this stuff.

Interaction 1: The Introduction

Every time you meet a new person, you have to go through this pesky business of introducing yourself. If you're a total nerd like me, introductions usually go like this:


Stranger: Hi, I'm Stranger.
You: *whimper*

But see, in my WIP, the main character's rather quirky and he's always cracking jokes and the like. He also compares one uncomfortable sensation to being digested by a dinosaur, so he's clearly awesome. Well, all the people who've read it so far have told me that if they knew my MC in real life, they'd want to be friends with him. Or almost everyone. Let's say like 20%. Yeah. So I figure, well, gee, 20% of the world's population is a lot of friends, right? And who doesn't want to have a lot of friends? So what you gotta do is make yourself seem just as quirky and awesome as my MC. Everyone likes a quirky person. Just look at all those agents seeking offbeat, quirky stories! Next time, try this:

Stranger: Hi, I'm Stranger.
You: I LIKE TO EAT COW LIVERS! AHAHAHA! The awkward way you're staring at me reminds me of being digested by a dinosaur. HEY, WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? IT WORKED FOR IZZY'S MC! WHY ISN'T IT WORKING FOR ME?


See? Now every stranger (or at least one in five) that you meet will suddenly want to be your best friend.

Interaction 2: The Awkward Conversation

Everyone's had a moment where you're with two other people and it's totally comfortable, and then one of them goes to do something "real quick", and you're left in awkward-dom. It usually goes like this:


Billy: All right, I gotta go kill a dragon real quick. *leaves*
Bob: Sooo...
You: Um. Um. Um. So what? AHAHAHAHAHA I'M SO FUNNY!
Bob: *nervous laugh* Y-yeah...

Well, that won't do at all! You see, people who are the sort to say "sooo..." generally have extremely low self-esteem. The last thing you want to do is freak them out by being out-going and quirky. You have to be gentle. Try to have a soothing, sexy voice. Men like listening to sexy voices - it makes them feel better and crap. I mean, it doesn't make them crap, it just makes them feel better and crap like that. Er, er, I mean, it doesn't make them crap at all, it just - it just - *whimper*. Anyway, be like this:

Billy: All right, I gotta go kill a dragon real quick. *leaves*
Bob: Sooo...
You: *swinging hips and stripping to a bikini* *sultry voice* You know, Bob... I think you have the most marvelous man boobs I have ever seen.

Flawless. Absolutely flawless.

Interaction 3: Introducing Other People

It's one thing to have to introduce yourself, but it's totally different when introducing others. If you're a nerd, it usually goes like this:

You: Billy, this is Bob, and Bob, this is Billy. Oh, wait. Was it, Bob, this is Billy, and Billy, this is Bob? Maybe it was, Bob, this is Bob, and Billy, this is Billy, or maybe it was something about a sultry voice? No wait, cow livers. Dragon livers? I LIKE TO EAT UNICORNS. No, wait, that can't be right!

And it just makes you feel completely weird, doesn't it? See, when people want you to introduce them to others, it means they're too shy to go introduce themselves in the cow-liver way you're now adept at. You have to help them overcome their shyness by revealing their deepest, darkest secrets to the other. Try this:

You: Billy, this is Bob. Bob still wets the bed every night, so he wears a diaper! Sometimes he even wears one during the day. Like now, if you were wondering what the smell was. And Bob, this is Billy. Billy's mother was an alcoholic and she abused him until he was eighteen because even though he's a dude, he's just really weak like that. He still struggles with issues now.

Your friends will thank you later, guaranteed!

What about you guys? What interactions do you struggle with that you would like me to add to the guide? Or do you have your own guide for various interactions? Do you guys think I'm the weirdest thirteen-year-old you've ever, ever, ever met?