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It's the Zombie Apocalypse

Guys, listen up. There was a recent scientific finding the other day. Are you ready? Okay. Real life human teenage males are not Edward Cullen. Shocking, I know. I'm just about ready for the zombie apocalypse. (Actually, let me get a nerf gun first. Okay, cool, I'm ready now.)

I seem to disagree with that article, and I also find it a wonderful display of stereotyping and sexism. Yes. Sexism. Let's say this article was instead regarding how lackluster teenage girls are these days. Say it went something like this:

"In Twilight, Bella is the perfect girlfriend. She's weak and clumsy, as well as completely incapable of taking care of herself. This means that we males get to take care of her. She's also docile, listens to what I say, and is content to have me watch her sleep."

The writer of the article would get massacred.

"For a start, Edward (unlike your typical pubescent male) is not a commitment-phobe. His devotion to Bella is impressive. He opens car doors for her, is always attentive to her needs and does not presume to take her out without first meeting her father."
Ah, yes. The typical pubescent male. Some Googling tells me that as of two years ago, there were nearly 3.5 billion teenage boys (assuming there is an approximately equal amount of boys and girls). I believe the author of the article is a teenage girl, so high school. Let's suppose there are 1500 students in her school, of which about 750 are boys.

Obviously (or at least I hope so), she doesn't know every single one of those boys. However, even supposing she does (and the amount she really does should be small enough that 750 will compensate for all the boys she knows outside of school), this is about 0.00000002%. Plus, it is highly doubtful she even knows 750 boys well enough to judge how committed they are. In fact, the only way she could really determine how committed they are is if she had a relationship with them. So that's, what, somewhere between 0 and 3ish boys.

There's no way she would know enough boys to be able to talk about the typical pubescent boy. Besides, there is no "typical" pubescent boy. Let's try this. I'll tell you about the three types of the typical teenage girl. Ready?

#1. She loves to shop. Frequently she and her gossiping group of friends will go to mall, where they will blow big bucks on brand name clothing which will later be shown off at their school. When she's not shopping, she's always texting or IMing, and as for studying... what's that? Every time she develops a shallow crush on a guy (which is about once a week), out come the halter tops and the miniskirts. Oh, and did I mention partying? Don't waste your time with her! She'll dump you before you can wipe her lipstick off your face.

#2. The bookworm. Everywhere she goes, there's a book in her face. Well, it would be in her face if not for the clunky, industrial-size glasses she wears. Her hair is always in an ugly ponytail, and she prefers to wear baggy sweaters and sweatpants. She goes shopping about once a year, and only when dragged by her mom. Her grades are always good because she has no life, no friends, and absolutely no boyfriend. Don't waste your time with her, either! She runs away at the very sight of a guy.

#3. Ah, yes, the poor muddled type. They are usually okay, but they're just so confused. You'll never know what they're all about.

Compare my list to

"Apart from a small minority, teenage boys fall into three distinct categories: macho, metro or just plain muddled. The first type is the beer-swilling Neanderthal who is more concerned about how he is perceived by his mates than winning a girl's affection. These boys think passing wind counts as humour and everything they say is punctuated with some sexual innuendo.
The second type is metro man, whose preoccupation with image is often more important than spending time with a girlfriend. These lads own skinny jeans and hair-straighteners and spend a lot of time shopping for accessories to complement their ''indie'' outfits. Metro man is too aware of his effect on women and usually uses it to his advantage. Scratch the surface and you won't find much substance.
The third type is generally decent, but gives out such conflicting messages that you need telepathic skills to work out what they're about."
 Seriously? Apart from a "small minority"?

Now look at this, earlier on in the article

"Edward is a classic gentleman and a SNAG rolled into one. And he has no difficulty articulating his emotions. What's more, Edward is never confused about his role - he is comfortable as protector and provider. He is impeccably groomed and never has to be lectured about hygiene. He exercises superhuman control in keeping his relationship with Bella chaste, though he does fly into uncontrollable rages whenever Bella's safety is compromised. But then, some of us girls happen to like that."
I think Edward's one of those guys you think you'd like, but then you actually don't when he shows up in real life (or you wouldn't if he did). Pretend you went to a cemetery and you digged up a recently buried body. It will have pale, cold flesh, have the appearance of perfectly chiseled (?) marble, and the lips will be stone cold as well. Mmm... sexy!

Because, yes, Edward Cullen is a corpse who has not yet rotted. And sure, some may find that attractive, if you're the kind of person who loves white skin (reminiscent of the old days, when white skin on a woman indicated that she didn't have to work outside in the sun), and if you like your men to have cold lips.

"Protector and provider." Seriously? No, really, seriously? That's just... rather... sexist. I mean, especially provider. I can live with a guy protecting me within reason (like if there's an armed robbery and he does that thing where he fights off the guy with his bare fists), but provider...

"He is impeccably groomed [...]" Oh yes, all teenage boys are complete and utter slobs. *shudder*

The thing about being chaste: Repeat after me, girls! All boys want is sex. Your twelve-year-old neighbor? Behind those innocent blue eyes is a raging, testerone-driven sex drive.

And as for uncontrollable rages... "Bella, I freaking told you to look both freaking ways when you cross the freaking street! RAWRARGHHHH! *tears apart various houses and people*" (Note the usage of the word "freaking" rather than a curse word, because he's very polite. The perfect gentleman.)

" There is no denying Edward Cullen has raised the bar. The only question remaining is: how will teen males rise to the challenge?"
They will rise to the challenge by finding non-sexist girls.

"A friend and I were bemoaning the disastrous nature of teen romance[...]"
It's disastrous. Absolutely catastrophic. You know what? Why don't you guys wait until you're ready for marriage until you date? It's just not worth it, these days, all those typical guys with their six-pack-chugging, D-floor-grinding, garbage-can-puking ways.

(No, really.)

"[...]she commented that, when asked out these days, her first thoughts run along these lines: ''Can you run at lightening speed? Can you throw me over your shoulder and scale a tree in the event of imminent danger? Will you sit by my bedside every night watching me sleep and wondering about my dreams?''

We joked about the response this might elicit from the real teen: ''Nah, babe, but I can knock back a six-pack in under half an hour, do some impressive grinding on the D-floor and throw up neatly into a garbage bin at the end of the night. Doesn't that turn you on?''"
I don't know what school she goes to, but at mine, they also had normal guys. I dunno, maybe her's doesn't.

" Real conversation can be awkward, rambling and self-conscious; Bella and Edward's exchanges are anything but.

''Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason … and then you shot across my sky like a meteor.'' I don't know about you, but I'll take the romantic hero (even the blood-sucking kind) every time.""
I happen to like real conversation. You know, where you talk about normal things, like making fun of teachers and whining about your parents and stressing over grades. The ones where you learn more about the other person, where you tell jokes to make each other laugh and cry on each other's shoulders when you're sad.

And, yeah, I said "each other". A lot of girls seem to think that a romantic boyfriend is something that happens to them. They complain how their boyfriends don't slip poetry into their lockers like in Shiver, that their boyfriends don't run at lightening speed, that they don't watch them sleep. Guess what? Romance is a two-way street. You want your boyfriend to be romantic, but chances are, he wants you to be like that, too. Why don't you put poetry in his locker? Why don't you run at lightening speed? (What, you don't? See, that's just the problem with teenage girls these days. They can't run at lightening speed, which is obviously their fault, and so they're just not worthy of guys.) Why don't you watch him sleep?



Allie said...

I LOVED this!

You write exceptionally well (though I don't know why I'm telling you that, seeing as we both know it O.O) (I also don't know why I used a word like "exceptionally"), and I love the sarcasm and sardonic humor you used! This article made me laugh all the way through, because it was really well articulated and extremely true.

I'd be creeped out if a guy watched me sleep, and also, I've always wondered why being hard and cold was supposed to be sexy, too. O.O

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