Why I Hate the French-Indian War

I'm sure school would be fun and all that if it wasn't for tests. And homework. But mostly tests. See, with homework, at least there's a definite end to it. You answer the questions, you solve that last problem, and bada bing bada boom, you're done. But with studying, there's always that extra "oh my flipping God, I am going to fail if I don't study MORE" thing going on.

So let's take my upcoming history test. (I'm writing this Sunday afternoon, but by the time you read this, I'll have already taken it.) It's on the French-Indian War, which is quite possibly the stupidest name for a war ever. The Anglo-Powhatan Wars, for instance, were decent because it actually told you what the war was all about. You won't see "Who fought in the Anglo-Powhatan Wars?" and spend twenty minutes trying to figure it out because duh, it was between the English and the Powhatan tribes.

But French-Indian War? Not that simple. The French and Indians were allies, so why the heck wouldn't it be called "The French-British War" or something? And why couldn't the war be simpler? Did they really have to run around being all complicated with their fancy battles and sieges and forts and commanders? Couldn't some British guy have run up to a French dude, poked him, and signed the Treaty of Paris?

That would be nice and easy to learn, although I'm sure my teacher would still find a way to make the test difficult:

#1. Write nine paragraphs (twenty to thirty sentences each) deconstructing the poke that started and ended the French-British War. Include detailed diagrams of every fleeting facial expression both parties had. Worth 150 points.

#2. What countries were involved in the French-British War? Worth 0.5 points.

And what's up with that dude Jenkins? He gets his ear chopped off and then sends it to the King of England? I can't imagine what it was like for old James to unwrap the package, thinking maybe it's some fresh-clipped tulips, and finds a festering, decomposing hunk of skin. And what did Jenkins write as a note?

Sup, James-y! This guy cut off my ear, and needless to say, I won't be bidding him "good morning" anymore. Anyway, I thought you'd like to see, so I sent you it. Isn't it neat how some parts are all blue-ish gray while others are more of a purpley green? Although by the time you get it, the whole thing will probably be black-mottled orange. I have a pretty epic ear. 

I wonder how James reacted, but I can pretty much imagine. First, a dramatic song started playing in the background, like those political-type movies where the president receives some terrorist threat or something. Then, a steely look passed into his eyes, and he squared his jaw, clenching his fists by his side. He raised one trembling finger, lifted his chin, and said in a low, strong voice, "The time has come." The first words come out all whispery but then they get louder until he shouts "COME!" And his guards snap into action.

I wouldn't really know, though. As I started studying for this test, I opened my binder. The first few pages were covered in cramped, meticulous writing that gradually got sloppier and less thorough, and then finally, the words "Austrian Succession" dithered into pages and pages of drawings of dinosaurs and teddy bears.

Thanks a lot, self, for the fantastic notes.